Getting Back on the Iron Horse

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It’s been a long time since I’ve blogged, or lifted.

It was really hard to get off the arthritis meds. Pain rebounded and I’ve been running fevers and aches for months. I also started a new job that has required multiple vaccinations and this has added to feeling really run down.

So I’ve made excuses, been misreable, eaten poorly…and finally stopped!

Today i am back on the iron horse. Today i am starting over. The focus now is to be a newbie and focus on form.

A few compound moves, not to failure but challenging, 3 days a week according to the beginning of New Rules of lifting for Women. March is crazy for me between the new job, and finishing nursing school reuirements. But i’ve managed to sit down with my planner and eek out 3 hours a week to pick up heavy stuff -or at least heavy for me at this point in time **grin**

Lifting lighter than I did is hard on the ego, especially since I was strength specific training before my flare this fall. I have decided to get around this by   strictly focusing on good form. It’s MUCH easier on the ego to say to one’s self “hey! I might be lifting a smaller weight than everyone around me, (when i use to be the girl “chicking” most of the guys in the weight room), but at least i got FORM. And if I have form, i have style.

Now if you’ll excuse me I’m off to box squat the oly bar, do partial push-ups, row 60lbs, and step up half the bench height with 10lb dumbells.

I’ll get there.

Prioritizing Where My Energy Is Spent

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Some days I can complete a strength session, clean a mound of dishes, vacuüm, do laundry, and cook an amazing dinner. And those are the days I don’t work 12 hour shifts. Other days I have to wonder how I’m going to get the energy to get off the couch. On those days I am too exhausted by or consumed with the body aches, pain and low-grade fevers I feel. It just depends on the day and the symptoms that greet me when I wake up.

When my energy is high and my symptoms are light I don’t feel the need to prioritize where I spend my energy. But on days full of symptoms I have to ask myself what is doable today. The fact that I have even gotten to the point of asking myself this is a miracle. I’ve tried so hard to be a sick Wonder Woman and not let a single thing in my life be affected. And I was failing on the really bad days which only made them worse. I’m too hard on myself. That’s a fact. But as I’m learning to coexist with an autoimmune condition I’m beginning to realize that I’m going to need to lighten up on myself.

Now here’s where things get tricky. There are days when my body aches but my joints don’t hurt. On these days I have felt better after lifting. I need the extra push to get out the door, and I grumble and doubt my way to the gym, but once I start the aches disappear and I feel better for the rest of the day. Then there are days when the fevers aches and pain drain me. It’s still hard to get out the door, I’m very weak in the gym, and then I’m wiped out for the day. So which situation is which?! I still don’t know yet. I’m hoping the answer will come from “listening to my body”. I’m sure it will involve much trial and error. It gets even trickier when I need energy throughout my day for school, mandatory volunteering to get into my medical program, (what we called being “volun-told” in the Marine Corps -yep I’m a Devil Dog), a job, and housework. This is where prioritizing and guilt come in. Strength training takes a back seat to school. I can’t put it before everything. The rest of my priorities are jumbled and shift depending on the day.

So I’m still figuring out how to prioritize where my energy is spent, and when i need to do it. When i just need to push, and when i should really lay off.

I’ll share what I find.

Complications

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I started this blog in order to talk about, and inspire myself to strength train with inflammatory arthritis. Unfortunately, not long after I launched this blog I started dealing with complications from medications and this has prevented me from training. Boy am I frustrated!

Before my nasty flare this fall I had a really bad bout of depression. I saw my Doc, he started me on Lexapro, it worked, and he referred me to a psychiatrist to make sure I was on the right medication and dose. The psychiatrist doubled the medication I was on and things got better. Until my flare in October and I began seeing a rheumatologist as well. A couple months after the flare, the toxic situation I called a “job” reached critical mass and my boss was either going to find reasons to fire me, or I could go quietly and take a lay-off. Yes I was physically sick, yes they knew, yes they didn’t give a shit that I had seniority and shouldn’t  be anywhere near the first 15 laid off, and yes they didn’t care that they were putting me out in the cold with zero health insurance, “…you’ll get the option for COBRA coverage” at $700 a month *rolls eyes*. I left them to Karma in all of her righteous glory. And by “they” I don’t mean you Tyson.

The last couple weeks that I had insurance, (I was laid off the day after Christmas. Karma do you hear this?), I saw all of my providers. The psychiatrist switched me to a generic antidepressant so that I could afford it (Celexa), and my rheumatologist put me on Plaquenil in order to help manage my joint pain, body aches, and low-grade fevers so I could function. Unfortunately these medications were started a day apart which makes tracing symptoms to them difficult. None of us considered this problem at the time.

Fast forward two weeks when a rash develops and the spreads all over my thighs, abdomen, chest, undersides of arms, and begins creeping toward my back. Benadryl every four hours doesn’t prevent the spread. Eventually I end up in the ER in great concern. My rheumatologist’s nurse blames the antidepressant because I just doubled the dose per instructions, and the psychiatrist claims that a rash from Celexa is extremely rare. The ER Docs work their magic and shoot me up with epinephrine, steroids, and pepcid, (which apparently is the antihistamine partner to Benadryl -learn new stuff every day!), this cocktail gets me twitching like a crack whore who’s hasn’t slept in a week. After the dust settles I’m off both medications effective  immediately and recovering from the rash and the epi/steroids. The rash completely resolves within a day.

So this is where things get difficult, if you can believe that. It turns out that withdrawing from antidepressants can really put a damper on your day…or week. It’s all over the internet, with multiple programs to help patients wean off of them. The days following my ER experience I was spaced out, jumpy, and fatigued. I figured, “Hey, I’ve had a lot of heavy medications in my system, I just need a few days to get back to normal.” A few days later I was experiencing the same symptoms with the lovely additions of dizziness and sudden episodes of nausea. -Oh and having been of Plaquenil my joint pain, low-grade fever, and body aches were back too. Can’t a girl catch a break?!

So this is where I’m at. I am experiencing all of these symptoms and fearful because I no longer have health insurance to pay professionals to sort me out. I also wonder how long the withdrawal symptoms will go on, and if I’m psychologically healthy enough to be off antidepressants yet.

I’m working on a plan, sort of. The wonderful healthcare system that my rheumatologist works for is willing to take me as a charity case. I am grateful for this, truly, but I still must pay for medications out of pocket and right now unemployment is willing to give me $250 a week. Half of my monthly income will go to rent. 7/10s to personal bills before even considering house bills. I’m hoping for another generic medication when I see my rheumy again, one that i can afford because being off an arthritis medication doesn’t seem to be an option at all right now. Not if I want to be functional.

But I’m here. I’m kicking. I may not be strength training this week because it doesn’t seem safe, but I’m interviewing for jobs, doing my school work, volunteering, finishing some house chores, and planning a future veggie garden. I’m coping, even on the days I cry, and I have to believe that I’m moving forward.

-Guess I’m psychologically healthy enough! What a relief!

Why I Strength Train

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I started strength training to look good and feel better about myself after losing 50 pounds.

And then lifting got a hold on me and created a monster.

I started lifting for the endorphin rush, to clear my mind, and to become stronger. I also started lifting to be a better healthcare provider. I wanted to be fit and able to help move any patient that needed help. And more importantly, I lifted just because I could.

Most of these reasons for lifting still hold true, but since the latest flare and diagnosis there are new reasons for me to lift.

It gives me control over my body. I can’t control the fact my joints hurt, are stiff, or puffy on a particular day. I can’t control the fact I have flu-like body aches or run a low-grade fever on a particular day. I can’t control how exhausted I feel. And I can’t always control if I will have lifting gains in the gym or if I will lift half of what I did before due to the day’s symptoms. But I can control the fact that I choose to lift. I choose to challenge my sick body to get stronger. Even on the days when I cannot lift as heavy as I may have last week, it still challenges me in the moment and my body must adapt.

Because my body must adapt to these loads I am increasing both my muscle mass and bone density. Those of us with autoimmune inflammatory arthritis are at a greater risk for muscle wasting and osteoporosis. Continuing to challenge my body helps to keep the bone and mass I already have as well as build new bone and mass while I can.

Strength training helps me to be proactive. It gives me a reason to make goals, complete tasks, and move forward in an area of my life that I can make a difference in. Being proactive is helping me to stay positive, even on the worst days, and the worst days are teaching me to problem solve. I’m not perfect at any of this yet! That’s why I started this blog, to help motivate myself and remind myself of why I lift, that not all days are bad days, and be grateful that I am still able to be physically active.

But  the most important reason I lift, for those of us with inflammatory arthritis, is because my rheumatologist told me I can. I do not have joint or tendon damage yet, so anything I can do to strengthen my body will help in the long run. This is not true for all of us. You should decide with your doctor if strength training would benefit you and not harm your body further. If you both agree you can train then GET AFTER IT!

Accepting Pain, Not Defeat

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After coming to terms with the fact that I have a chronic condition and incurable pain is a part of that condition, I asked my self,

“Well now what?! How am I going to learn to deal with this and live as sanely as I can?”

I had already looked into mindfulness practice as a way to deal with a highly stressful and unreasonable job. And I had read that it could help with living in pain as well. So I recommitted to starting a practice and continued to look for help. Eventually I came across a book called Managing Pain Before it Manages You by Margaret A Caudill, MD, PHD, MHP

http://www.amazon.com/Managing-Pain-Before-Manages-Third/dp/1593859821

It’s a workbook that I am very excited about digging into. The first exercise is for me to start logging my pain 3 times a day. This is an exercise to help me identify the things that may be triggering the worst of my painful days. I will be interested to see if this will help me to identify things I do in a day that make the next painful or unmanageable. Every bit helps. I will share what I find. Contrary to what some might think, lifting is not the cause of my pain. My body attacking its own cells is the cause of my pain. And whatever ways I can learn to accept this and live with it I’m willing to try. I might be  sick, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to stop living.

Attention Deficit with Training Disorder

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That’s me.

In the last year and a half I’ve started a strength program, abandoned it for hypertrophy, switched hypertrophy programs, started jogging, went back to strength, and jumped into circuits abandoning jogging all together. Man, it wears me out putting all that down! The longest I’ve stuck to a program is 8 weeks of hypertrophy training. Amongst all this training has been varying lengths of breaks do to illness. An illness that had no name or proof of existence until last month.

I have a fellow Bad Ass Female mentor named “G” that has been urging me to stick to a single program for a while now. I nod my head and genuinely agree that it is important to do so until I see a shiny “new” program that sounds like The Thing I Want To Do and then I’m off and running again.

Since the recent flare and and official diagnosis I have been reevaluating my training priorities. And asking myself a lot of questions

  • Why am I doing this?
  • Is it important enough?
  • How can I lift and still have the energy to get through the day? If at all?
  • Are there other activities I should be doing?
  • How will this benefit me?
  • Should I lift while in pain or having body aches?
  • Am I causing damage?

Only you and your Doctor(s) can answer this for yourself, but here I share some of the answers I’ve come up with based on my circumstances. I don’t have all of the answers to my questions yet, and I assume they will change or evolve and I will need to adapt to them. So in the following posts I will address these questions I have asked myself and begin to shape my strength training plans for the new year.